Something happened. Something sad and heart-breaking. But also something eye-opening. Something to do with my Mom.
I just wanted to go see a movie, that is all I wanted to do. But, neither my mom nor I wanted to do the same things. I needed to get out of the house but, after a long argument, having built up throughout a day of one wanting to do something enjoyable for both and the other being passively indecisive, my Mom was in one room crying and me in the other. But, I was going crazy and needed something to distract me. I wanted to make the best of the weekend before having to trudge through three more weeks of school without seeing her. So I called my Dad who suggested I go for a walk. So I did, I needed to be outside and reflect.
I was conflicted. I had issues of my own to sort out, such as: What was I doing with my life? What did I want to do with my life? Why was I so constantly unhappy?… I sat down in the middle of a field with tall grass, so barely anyone could see me. I sat there, listening to music and crying. Why was I so constantly unhappy…
She called. I knew she had come out of her room to find me not in the house. And then my Dad called. I assumed my mom had told him to call me, knowing I wouldn’t pick her call up. But I didn’t pick his up either. So I sat there, waiting for her to get out of the house, get into the car and drive around the complex of houses. She drove around me, not knowing I was right there, lying in the grass. I waited for her to drive around a second time and then get out of the car and go back into the house. Had my battery not died, I would have know that both her and my dad had called me a second time.
I then heard my name being shouted out. Over and over. My first instinct was to shut her up as not to startle the neighbours but, when she saw me walk down to her as she walked back out of the house, my heart broke because hers had.
She was on her way to getting back into the car and going to the manager of the area to call the police (as my Dad had suggested she do). But she saw me just in time. She cried. She was already crying but now she broke down. I acted confused and full of light-heartedness at the situation when asking ‘What is going on?’. She was so worried. She was so worried. She kept telling me that, all the way into the house. She sat on her bed and told me that, and apologised. She couldn’t stop crying so I hugged her, and started crying as well. I am so sorry you were so worried. I am so sorry.
I will never forget those moments leading up to the rest of an evening of crying and contemplating my life with my Mother. My beautiful Mom.
The day after, I couldn’t stop apologising for having put her through that. I was right there, I was safe. But, she didn’t know that. Both her and my Dad thought I could have been in danger like all those children in all those stories.
This having happened made me sorry for all parents plagued by worry. I am sorry for all those moments when one expects the worst or can’t function because the worst is all they can think of. That their child is in danger. No, that their child is no longer safe. No longer in the protective warmth of their arms.
Something else happened the other day. Something similar. There was tension, then crying, driving around in circles, and more crying. I had never seen her cry like that…
That half-term weekend had built up my feelings towards favouritism. I realised that I am constantly defending my Mom in moments of family-feud. But at the end of the day, I felt as if my Mother and I’s friendship dissipated when my brother was around. She is so protective over him against my complaining of him, his meanness, his egotisticalness. Why was he like this?
At the end of the day, I realised that I will never be able to understand a parent’s love for their children until I have children of my own. Do I understand my Mother and brother’s relationship? No. Are me and my Mom closer? Yes. Do I love my Mom? Yes. And she knows just how deeply I love and appreciate her. Does she love me? Yes. So so much.
A parent’s love for their child runs deep. So deep. Nothing could ever compare to that love. I am close to my Mom but, this has brought me that much closer to her. Made me appreciate her more, appreciate her deep love for me. Made me appreciate my own deep love that I have for my Mother. I don’t want to lose my relationship with my Mom as I had claimed I did in those heated moments. A girl needs her Mom,…I need my Mom. No matter how hard I try not to.
Mom, you are my best friend. Thank you & I love you.
Know that. Always know that.
ps. Dad, you’re alright too