I was angry. So angry.
Bitchiness isn’t uncommon in high school. Especially all-girl high schools. But I had finally settled into my house and thought that I was finally on my way to having these girls as close friends of mine. Family. But life likes to throw in little reminders telling you things aren’t going to happen that way…
Being friends with someone who takes offence quite easily can be hard, especially if you are quite the straight-forward person like I am. This gets especially hard when you start to pick up the habits of others, on being opinionated on what others do or how they eat. So when I (who happens to have been on the other end of these comments on how I eat) mentioned that I thought something was ‘weird’ or ‘gross’, I didn’t realise I was asking for a figurative slap in the face. When this ‘friend’ of mine told me that I was being especially critical that night, I was confused. Isn’t this what girls do? Isn’t this the back-and-forth conversation that goes on in a boarding house? And why do I have to be in a critical ‘mood’ in order for me to comment on what I think of you? I replied with a simple (and dazzled) ‘okay’. This is when things got awkward (more, if that is even possible).
“That was rude”. What? What are you talking about? Are you talking to me or to her? This was a comment made by one of the other girls with us. She was talking to me. What did I do exactly? According to her, my eyes took a turn to the back of my head and back. That’s right. I rolled my eyes. Besides the point that I didn’t, why was this girl calling me out like this? This might seem like something so small to many people out there but, it’s these small things that kept getting to me and breaking my spirit. After that, that same girl and one other voiced their support for the girl I had ‘hurtfully, heart-breakingly and intentionally’ criticised.
How did something so light-hearted get taken so deeply to heart? So I just stood there, drinking my tea, confused, hurt, angry. Later when I confronted the girl I had been critical to (this same girl who considered me to be one of her best friends), she simply could not answer the questions I wanted to know. These questions only came to light in my mind later on, and they were ‘Why do you always have to be victim?’, ‘Can you not defend yourself?’, ‘Can you not defend others?’ These questions especially stood out to me due to the countless amount of times this same girl has come to me crying over how much she hates these girls whom have just ‘defended’ her, against me.
It was then that I realised, Why had I been so careful what to say in hopes of impressing these girls? Why had I wanted to be so close with these girls whose company I clearly did not get excitable over? I wanted to defend myself so badly, and believe me I am good at it (coming from the school I had came from), but it clearly was me against a group of girls with loud personalities and snarky comments. Besides how to avoid a situation by simply assuring you did not in fact roll your eyes but that you are sorry for any offences taken, I learned how to step away from people who clearly only bring negative energy into my space. Yes, we are in a house together and I do live with these girls but, that does not mean that my best friend isn’t a couple meters down in the house next house.
Point being, there are people who bring light into your life and people whom you are constantly having to prove your light to (these same people who hate on you for reflecting their own actions, however questionable, in hopes of impressing them). Smile at these people, pass these people the milk but, do all without lowering yourself and without resentment and spite. You shouldn’t have to show people how special you are because you are and there are people who appreciate that. So, appreciate that fact, that those people respect you and love you. Criticisms and all.