I was angry and I didn’t know why. I recently had a dream about my brother and I getting into a fight and me getting seriously injured and feeling powerless. In my dream, my mother did nothing and actually supported my brother in ‘defeating’ me. You can imagine the anger I faced towards them the next morning. And why? They didn’t do anything. It was a dream. But was it?
Every dream comes from somewhere, some deep emotion, or something lodged in your memory surfacing in your mind. My initial thought was obviously that I feel there is some sort of favouritism (as every sibling thinks) towards my brother. But as the day progressed and the anger continued, I started to wonder what on earth could make me feel this angry? I never fed into the favouritism plea, so why did I feed into it now?
The night after, I got into a fight with my mom (being that it was at 12.30am probably didn’t help anybody). Why am I always the one getting in trouble? Is there something I did to deserve all the trouble I get into? Why do you never listen to what I have to say? Do you actually care about how I feel? At this point, I was fuming. I continued to be angry with my mom the next day, even though you would’ve thought we’d have cleared the air the night before…
I understand that as a mother, one feels conflicted as to who to believe in confrontational situations between me and my brother but, at the end of the day, do you, Mom, not know what I’m feeling (traumatised) and more, how to protect me?
After numerous ‘discussions’ with my mother, I managed to uncover deeper emotions felt: Why has it taken my mother so long to realise that I’ve been deeply hurt by all the years of violent attacks from my brother, from the viscous outbursts of anger from my mother and from all the years of no-one hearing me call out for help? Did anyone care if I needed it.? Surprisingly, my father was the hero in my dream with me threatening to call him after having been viscously ‘trumped’ by my brother. Therefore, I had no harsh feelings towards my dad (although, some could arise at any point).
I don’t want my Mom to be sad over how I feel but, now maybe she finally realises what I feel and how it’s affected me.
My mother is my focal point, my friend and is supposed to be my safe place. But would she rather be all that for my brother, than for me..? That’s how it feels. Along with other feelings I cannot decipher.
So what do I do about how I feel? Is this a part of life everybody has to go through? What exactly is it that I’m going through? Do I feel anger, sadness, disappointment all towards my mother? Or do I feel non-valuable, powerless and voiceless? I still can’t pinpoint what exactly it is I’m feeling. One thing is for sure though, the first child does not have it easy.